she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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