Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
