Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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