I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize