I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
