Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(517): View more from Michigan

dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..

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(503): View more from Oregon

can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.

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(760): View more from California

She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(802): View more from Vermont

the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza

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(256): View more from Alabama

Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night

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