It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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