Your tits are I can't wait for
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
