You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
"it" just moved
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
