What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
