my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize