Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
