I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
