I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize