I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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