When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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