I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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