I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
