If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
