I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just gift wrapped bread.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
