two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
