genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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