I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
