I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize