I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
