He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
