WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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