Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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