So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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