I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
