i love accidental penises.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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