Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
