my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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