There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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