You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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