Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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