how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
