Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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