Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
