How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
