god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
