Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
