May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
