jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
