Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
