why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
