There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
