Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
