The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
