Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Randomize
