Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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