I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
you had me at cake vodka
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
