I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
