Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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