Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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