I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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