I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize