It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
