She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
